Why is it so difficult to figure out who you are? I used to say that a person learns the most about themselves between the ages of 23 and 26. I think I chose those years because I was between the ages 23 and 26 — and discovering so much about myself. Now, as I sit here in the grips of a whirlwind of unearthing at the ripe old age of 28, my “late twenties,” I’m realizing I’m not who I thought.

            I watched friends get married at 22 and have kids by 25. I thought I would follow in their footsteps, as someone who falls madly in love and eagerly commits to forever. I haven’t had girlfriends; I’ve had wives. We’ve gotten apartments and puppies. It seems like I’m always ready to settle down — again. I’m discovering that I am not ready for that at all.

            I’m becoming more comfortable with myself. I’ve always considered myself to be a confident person, but now I’m learning that some of that was false. I spent my early twenties drowning myself in excessive amounts of alcohol and hiding behind wife beaters, thinking that if I would just blend in with our community, thinking I would be accepted. I was loud and proud about my homosexuality, and you could see me coming from a mile away. Gay from space.

            But wife beaters and booze don’t “blend in” with our community. At least not for me anymore. I recognize that we all start somewhere and typically with someone. After well over a decade of being “out” I can gratefully say our community has come a long way. I am proud of the leaps and bound we have made not just as a powerful movement but as individuals too.

            I’ve always felt that there were two people trapped inside me: a hard-core, rough-around-the-edges, inner-city kid and a calm, intelligent, feminine woman that always played inferior to the other. The older I get, the more the calm side of me wins out. I’d rather spend a Sunday walking on a nice trail rather than bar hopping. I like to enjoy my evenings relaxing rather than running around in fear of missing out on something. I can curl up to a movie any day or have dinner with my friends on a random evening out.  I’ve just….changed.

            After ending another two-year relationship, and crossing over into my late twenties, life is just beginning. For the first time, I’m trying to embrace who I am, where I am right now, and where I want to be. Moreover, I’m learning to define success without a partner. (Revolutionary, huh?)

            I would love to one day get married and have kids, but, now is simply not the time. I am on a fast-paced path toward something really big, and I am excited to see what that is. I cannot look back any more and try to figure out what I did wrong, wish I could’ve change things or hope to be in a different place today. I want to live in today, in my own skin.

            I wish that by sharing brief glimpses into my personal life, I can help show that we probably struggle with the same things. We’re all redefining the most pivotal age and the most important growth spurts. We’re breaking up, we’re getting back together, we’re moving on, and we’re moving up. I know now that it’s difficult to figure out who we are because we keep changing, every day. And maybe the more important question is —Who do we want to be? Because the answer will always be: better.

            Surely, that’s something we can all be proud of.

Finding your Zen

When life feels out of control- which mine has felt lately- you need to take some time to yourself and find your zen.  It may sound ridiculous but it is entirely necessary when you are going through a more difficult time. Life is a very interesting labyrinth that continuously leaves my puzzled. The chaos of two jobs, raising a puppy and healing a broken heart can tend to drive me to a breaking point. That’s why I need to find my zen and encourage you to do the same.

My mind can take me to so many places that I’m surprised it hasn’t completely crapped out on me yet. The time spent analyzing, obsessing or viciously cycling is astronomic. Allowing someone or something else to rent space in your mind is unfair to you and your well being. Some people can simple not think about the troubling things in their life. They can just push it far into the back side of their brain that it only ever surfaces when they choose to allow it. Others are not so fortunate and allowing their entire mind to focus on the problem areas of their life. It’s almost impossible to move on from any sort of devastating event in one’s life if their mind is constantly centered on it. Whether is a job change, a death of a loved one, an argument with a best friend or the ending of a relationship- these can all be devastating blows that consume the thought process.

Finding something to occupy your time in a positive way is the best solution to the wandering mind. Taking a long walk or run in the park, treating yourself to something nice, surrounding yourself with people who love you are all great ways to help find your zen. Personally, I like to take a long run or put in a good workout. I like to sweat the chaos out of me. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work as well as I hoped, however it’s a healthy way to deal with some issues.

Some people find that making drastic changes is a way to deal with unsettling issues in life. Others like to run from them- pack up everything and just move. Another way to deal with or handle things in life is to belly up to a bar stool with a group of good friends and drink the pain away. A lot of people tend to do a combination of these, which I have done in the past as well. I don’t find these to be the best solutions. They are temporary fixes that don’t actually solve anything but simply put them off without addressing. Although, it does feel good to have a temporary fix, you know that extra glass of wine or a new apartment to decorate or a fresh new haircut that instantly makes you feel free.

Well, when you wake up with a headache or finish the decorating and when your hair grows out of the fancy cut- you are still left standing there with the same issues. That’s why I say to take action. Seek help, make good decisions, change your lifestyle to a healthier way of living, enjoy an evening with friends without over indulging, find your zen. Like most of my advice, all of these things are easier said than done. I can talk until I’m blue in the face about great ways to be of healthier mind, body and soul- it doesn’t mean I’ve reached it yet. However, I’m working on it and will continue to do so, as long as there is sex in the city girl and I keep bringing it to you.

As seen in Cue Magazine. www.cuemagazines.com

 Announcement:

Cue Magazine has EXPANDED! We are now publishing a second magazine for the Columbus, Ohio LGBT community. Go to www.Cuemagazines.com NOW

Life Reconstruction

An intervention is here to relieve the stresses of last year. A gym membership, electronic cigarette or a promise to be kind, are all things people implement into their New Year and new life. But do the resolutions stay strong through the idea that once sounded so great?  Change is amongst us all, whether it is warranted or not.  Unfulfilled promises aren’t just for Obama these days; they are for us all.

A positive change is something I will always encourage; however, it just seems so hard to keep. Life is so busy and over stimulating that it seems almost impossible to implement another activity, whether it’s for the better or worse.  Eating healthier means you can’t just drive thru a Burger King and fill up on trans fats and carbs while driving, emailing and searching your iPod for the latest Lincoln Park song you downloaded at the last stop light.

Going to a gym every morning means you can’t sleep that extra hour that you know you need since you stayed up watching another mindless episode of Hoaders just to boost your self confidence because at least you don’t have 15 dead cats scattered throughout your shit hole apartment that you pay way too much for because you have to live in the city because it’s cool and so are you.

 Speaking of cool, quitting smoking is a whole new challenge these days since it’s obviously the thing to do while sipping on a drink at happy hour with your colleagues. “I only smoke when I drink,” most say. Well, if that’s the case it should be easier for you to quit this year. Or better yet, continue throwing away $7 at a time to look cool on a Saturday night while getting shitfaced in Southside, while littering the streets and making bad examples for the underage kids that used a fake ID to get into the bar that would serve to a five year old if they had the money.

Listen, make a resolution and stick to it. Change yourself for the better and see how the New Year can change your every being. Smile to a stranger, say hello when you pass in the street or let the poor old lady behind you go first in line at Walmart since she is only buying nasal spray and toilet paper where you are shopping for the month.  Or, you know, stick to the same routine of the progression decline of society just like the rest of the Walmart shoppers. You know who you are.

If you need some help finding a resolution to give up on in 2 months just ask your favorite lil lez. Oh and remember, there is sex in this city girl (who quit smoking, quit drinking, and ran a freaking marathon but still shops at Walmart) and it’s coming to you.

 January issue – Cue Pittsburgh Magazine

It’s a day or month,

Maybe a new year.

Time for change,

With a powerful vision clear.

Looks as though weather converts the early mind,

But to see through the cold, only few can find.

Change is upon us,

Well maybe just me.

It’s something that is done,

And only vigilantly.

Sometimes I wonder if what I see is true,

I guess only faith can prevent the haunting of this that would be due.

No way to know what tomorrow may bring,

Just sit back and relax while doing the next right thing.

I sputter and I spit my words with no sound,

But my actions ring louder with every bound.

The fear the fills my heart and soul,

Is the fear of losing all control.

 

With change and reconstruction,

Life challenges come a new.

The world is a scary place,

And my head, heart , and home now belong to you.

With a wrong step,

Or a bounce the other way.

Everything I’ve worked for,

Becomes instantly array.

My love so strong and fragile it stands,

Only the lucky embrace it gently in their hands.

The final frontier just a day away,

Make it the only one you never wish to escape.

New Year, new cheer,

But what will you do?

Join a gym, quit smoking or

Maybe change you?

-L T

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I’m here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I’m a million different people
from one day to the next

I can’t change my mold

-Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve

 

Looking through my window shade, stare at streets that bare no name
Now it all looks strange to me, yesterday seems like a dream
But I often try too hard, to break the routine of my day
Turn around see what I see, can’t help wishing it could

-Change by Feeder

I watched you change
Into a fly
I looked away
You were on fire
I watched a change in you
It’s like you never had wings
Now you feel so alive
I’ve watched you change

-Change by Deftones

 

Maybe you and I can’t do great things
We may not change the world in one day
But we still can change some things today
In our small way

-In our small way by Jackson Michael

 

 

We gotta make a change…
It’s time for us as a people to start makin’ some changes.
Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live
and let’s change the way we treat each other.
You see the old way wasn’t working so it’s on us to do
what we gotta do, to survive.

-Changes by Tupac Shakur

 

Alright, alright to all you non believers, confused soles,  nebby Nathans hanging at the bar that needs convinced that two woman can have all out, sweaty, sultry, mind blowing, orgasmic sex that DOES NOT include scissoring; LISTEN UP! Wow, there’s a mouthful. Now, let me back up my words with some detailed explanation. I’m warning you, if you are sensitive, or my Mother, STOP READING NOW!

For the beautiful lesbians out there that have had countless conversations with the typical male that claims he “just doesn’t get it”, from now on, just send him to the Cue Magazine website to search the archive for this masterpiece. This topic could be left for Cue’s Sexpert writer but I figured this is best coming from an experienced lesbian that has no problem laying it all out there.  From girl to girl, each lesbian may explain sex a little differently than the next. Some believe that sex is only going down on one another; others say sex is fingering one another and some say its combination of it all. What do I say? I say that sex between two women is a combination of both acts that leads to a completed orgasm.

My girlfriend and I have a very healthy sex life. I believe that having sex at least 3-4 times a week leads to a healthy and fulfilled relationship. I know that everyone and all relationship are different. Some women have higher sexual drives and some have lower. Every girl is different, especially when it comes to the bedroom. To really lay it all out there, I have to be frank and to the point. Here goes…  Sometimes women strap it on, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we fuck, sometimes we make love. We have sexual relationship that are very similar to straight relationship without having the penis coming in and scaring the shit out of us. We have one night stands, we have long lasting love and the best sex we have is when the clitoris is stimulated with the tongue while the fingers work on the G spot.  For the guys out there still wondering where the G spot is, typically search up and to the left (about 8 cm).

We find ourselves in different positions, searching all areas with our tongue always looking for a new way to stimulate senses. We have sex in bed, in the shower, on the couch, in the car, on the floor, in a chair, on a table and even counter tops. We can lift each other up, wrap our legs around the other, slam into walls, and hit it from behind. Stretched legs behind the head with hair pulling, back scratching, and screams of pleasure at the top of an orgasm after orgasm and after orgasm, all in one session. 45 minutes to 2 hours later, we have exhausted ourselves with the best sex we’ve ever had. All without a man. Thank you, sweet little baby Jesus.

So, I’m not sure if I’ve left you wanting more or feeling unfulfilled. Please know that is not my intention but there are some things that can’t be printed, even in Pittsburgh’s best LGBT magazine. I hope I’ve cleared up any confusion or helped to prevent that inevitable barstool banter when a guy inquires about you and you respond with, “You’re cute but do you have a sister?” (That was my line). I also hope I didn’t offend anyone by letting this apparent secret out into the world. Woops! Sorry everyone, but FYI: Lesbians have amazing sex! I spilled the beans but I can’t help it because there is sex in this city girl and it’s coming to you! Like it or not.

 October issue – Cue Pittsburgh Magazine

So anyone feel like they are committing the world’s most exciting juggling act during the holiday season? Well, believe it or not, I am right there with you.  Over the years I can say that my traditional family holiday has been rather non-traditional. Being from a split family environment (my parents divorce when I was a wee little lez), my brother and I have always tried to be in two places at once. Think that’s bad?  I’ll see your two places and raise you another. 

I have always been the one to travel back home to Washington, D.C. to spend at least Christmas with my Mom, step-dad, brother and grandmother. Now, recently I have re-developed a relationship with my father, step-mom and half sister. So, when do I spend the holidays with them? Do I continue the norm and head home to my mom or switch it up and go to Philadelphia to kick it with my dad? Should I just go to my dad’s for Thanksgiving? What about after the New Year? Maybe in the spring or how about the summer? I mean, Christmas is all about when you get the presents, right? As the years go by, it grows harder and harder to please everyone. People say, “Linz, just do what YOU want to do”. Yeah, thanks buddy. Easier said than done, trust me.

Now, enter the new and improved juggling act. After a two year commitment to my better half, it’s safe to say that I’ve grown wonderfully close with her family. So close, that I spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas with them followed by a fast trip home to celebrate with my family as well. Luckily, my non-traditional family can celebrate Christmas the next day or the next week; you know whatever works.  This year I think my holiday schedule is going to go as so:

1. Thanksgiving with my gal and her family in Pittsburgh

2. Christmas in D.C. with big bro, grandma, mom and Alan (stepdad)

3. New Years (or sometime after) with Dad, Cris (stepmom) and Kelly (step sister)

All with a big smile and happy cheers for all to hear! Honestly, with all the hassle, the hustle and bustle; the traveling, the expenses, the gifts and the turkey, it pains me to say that really, I love the holidays. It’s the only time I get to see everyone that I love and spend time with them, even if it’s just for a moment while I’m heading out the door to continue my tour.

So here is my question: Since when did non-traditional become so… traditional? I guess when they starting letting the gays marry and have kids!

However your holidays may go, may they be blessed and with safe travels. Don’t forget to spread the word that there’s sex in this city girl and it’s coming to you.

Stay posted to www.LinztheLez.com for all the details of upcoming holiday parties!

December issue- Cue Pittsburgh Magazine

10. “Let’s turn the light… off.”

9. “You use too much saliva,”  she replies, “You need it.”

8. After watching hours of the Law & Order marathon, you take it to the bedroom for some alone time, never ask, “Can we turn it on in here?”

7. Demonstrate the worst expiernce you ever had when your EX girlfriend went down on you.

6. Hold up your hand and ask, “Which fingers do you want?”

5. “I think I just peed on you.”

4. Fall asleep.

3. Wonder, Why is she laughing so much? Only to look up and see her crying.

2.  “It’s weird how much you look like your mom.”

1. While going down on your girlfriend, look up and ask, “Did you fart?” (and she didn’t)

After 10+ years as openly gay woman, I’ve grown to learn that it’s not as easy as it may seem to be. Coming out of the closet can be a huge ordeal that can change your life and relationships forever. And, once you come out, there is no going back. I have struggled through job loss (damn Delaware), harassment and abuse. I have been challenged more in my life about being a lesbian than I ever imagined I would. I’ve had countless occurrences where the same conversation still leaves people in disbelief of my sexual orientation. I have witness my gay friends be bashed, shamed and disowned from their families. Coming out of the closet is not for the weakest of hearts. It’s one of life’s biggest challenges that can present the biggest rewards.

 I figure everyone is just shuffling through this month’s issue looking for pictures of themselves amongst the millions from Pittsburgh Pride 2010. Hey, I don’t blame you, Pride was AMAZING this year and I’m sure you need some sort of memory jogger after that long prideful party. Not to mention trying to find that certain someone you touched tongues with at Saturday night’s Pride in the Streets extravaganza, you filthy girls! Well, now that you are off day dreaming about that night and how hot she looked in the black lights (yuck), it’s time to jump back into reality and figure out what’s next. Have no fear, I, Linz the Lez is here to help point you in the right direction for some sexy adventures for you and your summer fling.